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Had way too much fun with this... - Priscellie's Livejournal
October 2012
 
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Tue, Feb. 19th, 2002 11:55 pm
Had way too much fun with this...

Secret Diaries v. amusing to write. Apologies for non-Discworld pop-culture references. Sumarizes "Feet of Clay", for those curious.

The Very Secret Diary of Corporal Cheery Sherry The Alchemist Formerly Known as Cheery Cheri Littlebottom

Day 1: Begin to suspect Alchemy is not my calling. Third time the Guild House has exploded in a month. Not a total loss, however. Enjoyed scenery during brief flight from explosion.

Day 2: Applied for job at City Watch. First time no one has made fun of name or stature. Felt strangely off-balance. Investigated death of a priest. Must remember not to eat large breakfast before going on duty. Noticed glowing red dots reflected in corpse's eye. Must rewatch X-Files episode on Golems. Afterward, sent to analyze poisoning of the Patrician. Question not "whodunit" but "who wouldn't have the motive to dun it".

Later, met Corporal Angua and Captain Carrot. Corporal Angua from Uberwald, as well. Somehow knew I was female. Must have spied on me while sobbing over ending to "City of Angels". Corporal Angua v. nosy.

Day 3: Learned from Hrolf Pyjama about rumor of werewolf in Watch. Pyjama suspects Corporal Nobbs. Disagree. If Nobby, obviously from v. bad pedigree. Have started wearing silver chainmail for protection. Chafes.

Day 4: Went with Angua to investigate potter's workshop and butcher. Still haven't found murderer. Also went with Angua to first non-dwarf bar. V. disturbing. Patrons hairier than uncle Grouchy Littlebottom.

Day 5: Found arsenic sample under priest's fingernails. Suggest finding new manicurist. Also borrowed makeup from Angua. Subtle hints of concealer and blush doing wonders for dwarfish complexion.

Day 6: Business with golems v. tedious. More Jewish jokes than a Mel Brooks movie.

Day 7: Tested Patrician's journal for arsenic in pages. Unsuccessful. Nevertheless, enjoying opportunity to read Patrician's diary. Better than Bridget Jones.

Day 8: Considering possible name change. Angua disapproved of idea to change name to "Marginally Enthusiastic" Littlebottom. May have to settle with "Cheri". Noted that surname may be the reason I have no rap artist boyfriends. Further observed that a less tactful way of saying my last name is "Shortarse". Expect Mr. Pratchett will soon hear from the Campaign for Equal Heights.

Day 9: Went shopping for skirt with Angua. Disappointed to find few in my size. Becoming more comfortable with femininity, regardless of beard. Feeling strange kinship with East German Women's Olympic Team. Considered getting hair and beard highlighted, but too expensive. Also welded high heels to iron boots. Surprised to see Martha Stewart had nothing to suggest on the matter.

Day 10: Angua refused to answer my question re: dog collar. Suspect she may be a closet goth. Will be on lookout for black clothing and monochromatic makeup.

Day 11: Do not understand other dwarfs' objection to new lipstick. After all, Captain Carrot seen wearing great deal of smudged lipstick after secret meeting in broom closet with Constable Angua, and Captain Carrot not even female. Unfair.

Day 12: Becoming worried about Commander Vimes. Acting v. peculiar. Suspect mystery coming together. Wonder if I will be promoted. Got to handle crossbow. Feeling macho, despite earrings and nail varnish.

Day 13: Learned identity of werewolf in the Watch. Angua. Narrowly avoided becoming subject for giant wax mold. Visions of Han Solo in carbonite not v. reassuring. Also helped Carrot, Angua, and Vimes face down evil king golem thing. Wielded axe. Saved the day. Go us!

Day 14: Am attracting attention of Hrolf Thighbiter. Almost certain he is male. He can krazak my G'ardrgh anytime.

Current Mood: accomplished accomplished
Current Music: "No one must ever know", Jekyll and Hyde

3CommentReply

punka
punka
Zombie Hunter 3rd Class
Thu, Feb. 21st, 2002 08:03 am (UTC)

Oh that is too funny!! Are you going to write more? Pllllleeeeaaassseeee!!


ReplyThread
cacklebang
everything's heavy underground
Fri, Feb. 22nd, 2002 11:04 am (UTC)

Nevertheless, enjoying opportunity to read Patrician's diary. Better than Bridget Jones.

And I bet it is.. ^_^

Day 10: Angua refused to answer my question re: dog collar. Suspect she may be a closet goth. Will be on lookout for black clothing and monochromatic makeup.

::and I fall over laughing:: Okay, just for writing that, you are immediately going on my friends list. >D


ReplyThread
datta
datta
L. Valerius
Fri, Mar. 1st, 2002 02:54 pm (UTC)

Ooh. Funny, v. funny!

Day 7: Tested Patrician's journal for arsenic in pages. Unsuccessful. Nevertheless, enjoying opportunity to read Patrician's diary. Better than Bridget Jones.

*snickers* Keep it up!


ReplyThread