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Oh dear God no... - Priscellie's Livejournal
October 2012
Mon, Feb. 18th, 2002 05:42 pm
Oh dear God no...

Upon inspiration from Cassie Claire and the thousands of people who have written "Secret Diaries" for LotR and Farscape, I present...

The Very Secret Diary of Corporal Cecil Wormsborough St-John Nobbs, Earl of Ankh

[Circa "The Fifth Elephant", for those confused]

Day 1: Found $8 in man's pocket when arresting half of Bucket patrons after brawl. Noticed Carrot getting tired of lecturing me about petty theft. Think I might be wearing him down. Enjoying perks of being a watchman.

Day 2: Helped Fred set up traffic-calming system. New "Head of Traffic" title getting to his head. Witnessed another dwarf brawl. No one left unconscious afterward. Unfortunate, as dwarfs tend to carry more gold than humans. Bugger.

Day 3: Started training for Lance-Constables My-God-Could-Beat-Up-Your-God and Assault-The-Disbeliever-On-The-Street-With-As-Many-Flyers-As-He-Can-Carry. Think they were offended. One compared me to the Anti-Brutha. V. worrysome.

Day 4: Fourth bedroom becoming full. Expect to move to fifth soon. Mental note to ask Carrot if I can move some posessions to one of the other Watch houses.

Day 5: Cleared up several mysteries with help from Done It Duncan and Sergeant Angua. Werewolves come in handy. Wig becoming less itchy. Taffeta dress far more comfortable than Watch uniform. Angua seemed worried. Probably "that time of the month", despite claims that it was not my new purfume.

Day 6: More political trouble. Vimes preparing for journey to Uberwald. Angua still missing. Carrot v. worried. On the plus side, now indisputably prettiest watchman. Wallace Sonky found murdered. Expect national Day of Mourning.

Day 7: Bad news. Carrot resigned. Worse news. Fred left in charge. Suggested he run away or make so much of an arse of himself that the Patrician demotes him again. This was not an option.

Day 8: Fred getting used to promotion. Yells at anyone that doesn't call him Captain. Mrs. Fred v. proud. Suggested he promote another officer, due to lack of Sergeants. Idea has yet to sink in. Still not sergeant.

Day 9: Fre--Captain Colon getting shirty with ethnic minorities in Watch. In fact, Captain Colon getting shirty with everyone. Collected bets on length of time it will take for him to sack half the Watch. Made $20. Not Sergeant today, either.

Day 10: Pigeon Loft Duty becoming more popular. Washpot already claimed dibs. Bugger. Likely not going to be sergeant.

Day 11: Fred gone critical. Accuses random watchmen of stealing sugar cubes and demotes officers for no reason. Definitely not going to be Sergeant. Will be lucky if I get out a Lance-Constable. Also destroys all paperwork by fire. Vimes is gonna go spare.

Day 12: Flint promoted to Sergeant. Watch reduced to 20. Lost $12 on bet. Still ahead by $8.

Day 13: Accusations of sucrose theft v. unnerving. Considered fleeing to Klatch. Beginning to miss Klatchian girl-talk. Conversations with female dwarf watchmen just not the same.

Day 14: Heard news about Vimes over Clacks. 30 men and a dog?

Day 15: Went with Reg and Washpot to the Patrician's office to start Guild of Watchmen. Called strike. Suspect this will end messily. On the other hand, now President of Guild of Watchmen. Now ranked above Sergeant. Go me.

Day 16: Beginning to suspect holding strike headquarters in pub a bad idea.

Day 17: Began picketing. Wished Carrot had chosen some time in the summer to resign, as Winter v. cold.

Day 18: After 3 days of picketing, contacted by Guild of Beggars. Told them to bugger off.

Day 19: Watch reduced to me, Dorfl, Reg, and Washpot. No question about it -- Vimes definitely going to go spare.

Day 20: Mrs. Fred came by. Spent afternoon yelling at Fred through letterbox. Fred accused her of stealing sugar. Went home.

Day 21: City running far less smoothly without functional Watch. Spending money dramatically decreased now that we're not breaking up brawls anymore. On the other hand, fewer enraged trolls breaking into Watch House demanding to have parking blocks removed from feet. Most unaware that it considered impolite to hit a lady. Fewer black eyes.

Day 22: Saw attractive pair of pumps in the window of Guild of Shoemakers. Will return when wages resume.

Day 23: Carrot back. Also Angua, Cheery, and Detritus. No longer worrying about Vimes going spare. Worried about Carrot going spare. Am convinced I narrowly escaped certain death.

Day 24: Igor sworn in. Cheery v. happy to no longer be only one on forensics. Overheard Constable Thighbiter saying I was no longer ugliest watchman. V. glad I decided to keep my steel-toed boots. Constable Thighbiter now walking with slight limp.

Day 25: Watch returning to normal. Went with Fred, Reg, and Washpot to convince former watchmen to rejoin. Gave up status as President of the Guild of Watchmen. Still not Sergeant. Bugger.

Current Mood: amused amused
Current Music: "Murder, Murder", Jekyll and Hyde


(no subject) - (Anonymous)
Glinda the Good: Officially!
Mon, Feb. 18th, 2002 05:15 pm (UTC)

Terry Pratchett. But this chronicles the events (well, a few of the events) of "The Fifth Elephant", the fifth book in the Watch series. Start with "Guards! Guards!". If that can't be found, I suspect it wouldn't be too catastrophic if you started with "Men at Arms", the second one. Can't go wrong with the Watch series. ::hearts the Watch::

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Hippie Geek Girl
Mon, Feb. 18th, 2002 07:30 pm (UTC)

Day 24: Igor sworn in. Cheery v. happy to no longer be only one on forensics. Overheard Constable Thighbiter saying I was no longer ugliest watchman. V. glad I decided to keep my steel-toed boots. Constable Thighbiter now walking with slight limp.

.. have I told you lately that you rock? ;)

everything's heavy underground
Tue, Feb. 19th, 2002 02:35 pm (UTC)

::falls over laughing::
::prints this out:: Nifty stuff- ever think of doing another one of these?

Glinda the Good: Officially!
Tue, Feb. 19th, 2002 04:43 pm (UTC)

::snickers:: I'm working on one for Cheery in "Feet of Clay" as we speak!

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